Talking about unwanted or abusive sexual experiences isn’t easy. For many men, the decision about whether to tell is shaped by their own life experiences, what’s currently happening for them, and the kind of support they’ve had (or haven’t had) along the way. It’s also influenced by weighing whether talking might help, alongside worries about how it will be received or responded to.
This page offers information to support you if you’re thinking about whether—and how—you might want to share information about some of your childhood and adult experiences.
Prioritize your well-being
At StrongAfter, we recognize that reading about disclosing abuse can bring up difficult feelings. We encourage you to continue prioritizing your well-being, take breaks, and make use of the information and resources available in the StrongAfter Strength Toolkit. Be good to yourself.
Barriers to Disclosure
Boys and men, just like all survivors, face many barriers to speaking about experiences of abuse, including:
- Concerns for their own safety and the safety of the people they love
- Fear of getting in trouble, being judged, rejected, or abandoned, or disappointing people they care about
- The desire to protect parents, siblings, family members, friends, partners, and loved ones from worry or pain
- Guilt, shame, or embarrassment that was never theirs to carry
- The person who harmed them manipulating or grooming them into staying silent or feeling somehow complicit or responsible (Note: the survivor is never to blame. See more at Understanding Grooming and Resistance).
- The person who harmed them manipulating or grooming the adults around them, leaving the child isolated or labeled as “trouble” or untrustworthy.
- Confusion or hurt, especially when they didn’t yet have the words—or were too young—to recognize the experience as sexual abuse
- Mistrust of others and not having anyone they believe will listen, understand, and respond supportively
- Not wanting to relive the abuse or don’t see how telling someone could help (“What’s the point?”)
- Having tried to speak up and not being believed, helped, or being punished for telling
Gender-Specific Challenges
When deciding whether to speak about experiences of sexual harm, many men also report being influenced by gender-based expectations and challenges, which can make disclosure feel even more difficult. These include:
- Expectations that they should have been able to stop the abuse, without acknowledgment that they were children at the time or that manipulation and grooming were involved
- Pressure to appear strong and unaffected, with the belief that men should be able to “push through,” cope, and manage on their own
- Fear that talking will open a flood of emotions, leading to concerns about losing control or being seen as “less of a man”
- Worry about being misunderstood or unfairly judged, including fears that others might question their intentions or character
- Homophobia, including suggestions that being abused by a man says something about their sexuality or identity
- Confusion created through manipulation, where physical or emotional tactics were used by the person who harmed them to make them doubt themselves or what happened
- Additional stigma for men who identify as gay or bisexual, including fears that others may assume the abuse was wanted
- Concerns about not being taken seriously if the abuse was perpetrated by a woman, or assumptions that they “should be okay”
- Limited awareness and access to support, including lack of recognition that sexual abuse affects approximately 1 in 6 boys and men, and limited availability of gender-responsive services
Sadly, many men who experience childhood sexual abuse never tell anyone (Mathews et al., 2025, Child Abuse & Neglect).
Naming Barriers and Challenges
The barriers listed above are not exhaustive. Every man’s experience is different, and each person faces their own set of challenges when it comes to speaking about abuse.
It can be helpful to identify some of the barriers you faced—both as a child and as an adult—while keeping your current safety and well-being front and center. Approaching this reflection with care and self-compassion is key.
- What made it especially difficult to speak about what was happening when I was a child?
- What has made it difficult to talk about it as an adult?
This is about recognizing and naming some of the challenges you’ve faced. This is your experience, and there’s no right or wrong answer.
Be Compassionate and Set Aside Judgment
When reflecting on the impact of trauma and abuse, it helps to set aside self-judgment and approach yourself with compassion.
Many men judge themselves for what they did or didn’t do as children. If you notice thoughts like “I should have” or “I could have,” remember that the perspective and resources you have now were not available back then. What you and the child you once were need is care and support, not judgment. (See the Self-Compassion resources in the StrongAfter Strength Toolkit)
Given the manipulation and pressure children often face, it’s not surprising that speaking up is so difficult. Offer yourself kindness.
Disclosure as a Child
- Even if they don’t have the words, many children report feeling confused, uncomfortable, yucky, and wanting or trying to let someone know that something isn’t okay.
- Historically, disclosures were often not met with safe or supportive responses.
- Some children were met with disbelief, minimization, or punishment, which compounded difficulties and placed them at further risk of abuse.
- Adults and services were often unsure how to respond.
- Delayed disclosure is not only about barriers, but also part of a child exercising judgment about safety to tell.
Providing a Supportive Response
We now understand how important a supportive response is when abuse is disclosed.
- Give full attention and stay calm
- Listen with empathy and belief
- Reassure the child or person that telling was the right thing to do
- Clearly state that you believe them and the abuse was not their fault
- Acknowledge their bravery and strength for talking about something that is difficult
- Let them share at their own pace, in their own words
- Avoid excessive questioning or making promises you can’t keep. Focus on checking in and responding to their emotional well-being—not the content.
- Be clear about what will happen next (for example, if others will need be informed)
- Ask what they need now or what they hope will happen now.
- Do not confront the person who caused harm
- Check in about ongoing support needs
(Adapted from guidance by Bravehearts; Emerging Minds; Kids Helpline; and the National Centre for Action on Child Sexual Abuse.)
Disclosure Is an Ongoing Process
It’s important to recognize that disclosure is not a one-time decision or event.
Each time someone chooses to disclose, the quality of the response matters—influencing how they feel in that moment and whether they choose to disclose again in the future.
What Can Prompt Disclosure
While boys and men have often been discouraged from speaking out about abuse, more men are finding ways to share openly about what they’ve been through.
- Wanting to address ongoing difficulties and move forward
- Public conversations, media coverage, or government inquiries about abuse
- Someone close sharing their own experience
- Becoming a parent or being close to a child the same age you were at the time
- Seeing the person who caused harm or returning to connected places
- Relationship changes or encouragement to seek counseling
- Seeking justice or recognition through legal or redress processes
- Trauma symptoms such as flashbacks or nightmares
- Health concerns or medical appointments
- Being offered genuine support and understanding
- Feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope
- Reaching a point where dealing with it feels necessary
- Finding a service that supports male survivors
- Simply being asked
Note: For reasons of self-care or readiness, many men will say “no” when asked directly if they were sexually abused. Saying “yes” can feel like too big a step. More open questions such as “What was your childhood like?” or “Did you experience trauma or abuse growing up?” may create space for men to speak in their own way and in their own words.
While many factors can encourage disclosure, it’s important not to pressure someone to speak before they feel ready, and to recognize how strong the pressure to stay silent can be.
When Secrecy Becomes a Prison
As the above quote suggests, a particular problem that men who experience child sexual abuse often face is that safety can become wrapped up with secrecy in unhelpful ways. At one point, staying silent could very well have been a matter of life and death. You might have been all too aware of the potential consequences of telling.
And as time went by, you may have become convinced that saying something could cause more trouble, that it wouldn’t change anything, or that you would only face judgement and questions regarding why you hadn’t said anything before.
In this way, secrecy can become a prison—trapping us, eating us up from the inside, and limiting us from getting the support we deserve.
Prioritizing Safety When Disclosing
If you’re considering talking with someone about your experiences, remember that what you share, who you tell, and when you tell them are your choices. Your safety and well-being come first.
The more say you have over how and when disclosure happens, the better you’re likely to feel.
When you take this step, some of your worries may turn out to be true, and it helps to be prepared for that. It’s also possible that you’ll receive understanding, care, and support you didn’t expect.
Questions to Consider
Before speaking with someone, it can help to pause and check in with yourself. Taking time to clarify your expectations and what approach might work best for you can make the process feel more manageable.
- What is my purpose in sharing this?
- What am I hoping will come from telling?
- What are the potential costs and benefits of telling or not telling?
Telling someone about your experiences doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing decision. You have choices about who you tell, what you share, and how much you disclose. You decide the timing and the person.
- How much information do I want to share?
- How can I describe what happened without getting overwhelmed or pulled into details?
- How can I share in a way that protects my well-being?
Writing It Out First
One way to feel more prepared is to write out what you want to say ahead of time. Getting it out of your head and onto the page can help organize your thoughts and clarify what matters most.
You can write, edit, and rewrite until the words feel right. Many men find it helpful to focus on saying what needs to be said in the clearest, fewest words possible. There is no right or wrong way to do this.
- Share what you’ve written with the person
- Read it aloud to them
- Use it as a practice run before a conversation
Writing things down can also send a clear message—to yourself and others—that this matters. It also provides you with increased control over what is said and how.
A Note to Yourself
Some men find it helpful to write a short note or letter to themselves. This might include words of encouragement, reminders of why they’re choosing to share now, or support from a “future self” who knows they got through it.
Preparing for the Conversation
If possible, it can help to think ahead and prepare for what may be a difficult conversation. Research shows that when men receive a supportive response to disclosure and are connected with appropriate help, it can improve well-being. At the same time, supportive responses can’t be guaranteed.
- How can I best prepare myself?
- What worries or concerns do I have, and how can I manage them?
- What makes me think this person can hear what I’m saying?
- What am I hoping for from them (listening, support, practical help)?
- How can I prepare them for what I’m about to share?
- Are there resources or information I could share to help them respond well?
- How can I frame this in a way that helps them understand?
- What kind of response would feel helpful, and what expectations are realistic?
- How will I take care of myself before and after the conversation?
It’s also worth remembering that even well-intentioned people may not know what to say right away.
As one man put it:
Taking time to prepare can help you feel more grounded and supported, whatever the response turns out to be.
Be Prepared for Uncertainty
When you talk with someone about your experiences, it’s not possible to know exactly how the conversation will unfold. You can’t predict how they’ll react or plan for every outcome. How someone responds is shaped by their own history, beliefs, concerns, and the nature of their relationship with you.
For many people, this may be new and unexpected information. It can help to go slowly and allow space for both of you to pause and breathe. Try not to read too much into someone’s initial reaction; it often takes time to take in what you’ve shared.
Be mindful about how much detail you share, even if they ask questions. You don’t need to explain everything all at once. Like you, the person you’re talking with may need time to gather their thoughts. It’s also worth remembering that you don’t know what experiences they bring with them or what might be difficult for them to hear.
Privacy and Limits of Confidentiality
Because this is sensitive information, it’s important to be clear about confidentiality.
If you’re talking with a partner, close friend, or family member, it can be tempting to ask them not to tell anyone. At the same time, they may need support themselves in order to care for you and their own well-being.
If you’re speaking with someone in a professional role, such as a counselor, doctor, or police officer, they may be required to record information or make reports. To make an informed choice, it’s reasonable to ask about confidentiality and its limits before sharing details.
Keep Going, at Your Pace
Getting support for the impacts of trauma and abuse often takes persistence. While awareness has improved, disclosure can still be challenging, for you and for others. One conversation doesn’t have to do all the work. Keep prioritizing your well-being and take things step by step. There’s no rush.
Talking Is Your Choice
Whether you’re speaking with a partner, friend, family member, health professional, or someone else, remember that you always have choices about what you share and how you respond to questions.
Remember
Healing is a journey, and it’s normal for it to include both progress and setbacks. Be patient with yourself and acknowledge the growth you’re making along the way.
Disclaimer: The information on this page is general in nature and is not a substitute for professional advice. We encourage you to prioritize your safety and well-being and to consider seeking support from a qualified healthcare professional if needed.
